Big Island Dreams

     The jungles of Hilo are amazing.

     By the time I got there I was already on my way to another big fail, which may or may not have been a good thing. It's just the way it happened. What's good and what's bad, isn't this what life eventually comes down? Choosing and losing, winning and spinning. What's the difference?

     My room at the back of the lodge had a window, maybe even a balcony, which overlooked an amazing jungle filled with all sorts of tropical trees and birds. I think I had some weed with me and got high that day, but I don't really recall. Hazy memories, all of them!

     I was still smarting from the breakup with Mars. I missed my bro terribly, which put me on the melancholy side. But I was also mad at him, after he had gotten mad at me, and I tried my best to forget about him and not be too bothered or worried about my screwed-up twin.

     At least that's how I kidded myself. I knew full well that Mars was and always would be the biggest part of me, whatever that means. I wanted to enjoy my trip, but sadly, without him it probably wasn't even possible.

     I still had some stamina left. My first morning in Hilo I walked to the nearest beach, which wasn't really a beach but rather a rocky cove. And what an amazing cove it was. The stuff of postcards. But I was feeling disappointed, as I almost always did, having been dreaming of soft white sand and string bikinis rather than the jagged, razor-sharp reef rocks of Hilo Bay.

     I guess you could say I was flighty, perhaps even unstable, and you'd probably be right. In my defense, I was really only half a person. The other half was Mars.

     I'd spent the first 18 years of my life with him, and during that time we'd done just about everything together. We'd taken on the world side by side in a mostly happy-to-lucky game of doubles rather than singles. Twinship is a special kind of love only twins can know, a bond as old and deep as the beginning of time.

      Looking back, I somehow managed to make it through my solo escapade on the Big Island without getting into too much trouble. At the time, I'd I tricked myself into believing that the consequences of my twin-or-no-twin highwire act were minor speed bumps that could not and would not slow or stop me on my merry way.

     It only took a couple of hours to get to Kailua-Kona. Along the way, on route 200, I took in the hilly countryside, fretting over the hard fact that I was very much alone and out of control.

     I had a plan, but it was flawed. My father, Thomas, had brought this up a few days before Mars and I packed up and left.

     We were out at the pool of a condo in Oceanside my mother and sister owned together. I'd gone out for a few laps and Dad had followed me out there. He paced up and down the length of the pool until I finally stopped to see what he wanted.

     "How are you financing your trip to Hawaii, Mitch?" Dad asked, his tanned and wrinkled face covered in a somber scowl.

     "I've still got some money on my credit cards," I blurted out.

     Dad looked daggers at me, shaking his nearly bald head.

     To assure and appease him, I added, "Once I get a job as a divemaster I'll be able to pay it down slowly. Don't worry, Dad. It's an adventure!"

     "Yeah, an adventure in misery," Dad deadpanned. "Why don't you get a job around here, son?"

     "There aren't any jobs around here that I want, dad. I wanna work on a dive boat in Kailua-Kona. It's paradise there, Pop.

     "Mitch, you don't have the money to fly off to Hawaii, and putting your trip on your credit cards is a very foolish thing to do." Dad was trying his best to talk me out of it, but I'd already made up my mind.

     I looked up at his weary face, into his steely blue, disappointed eyes.

     "We're going, dad. It's a done deal. It's a solid plan and I'm ready to go for it. It won't be easy to pull off, but I know it's the right move for me at this point in my life. Why not give it a try, huh? What've I got to lose?"

     "How about your financial freedom?" Dad countered. "Maxing out your credit cards isn't your best move, son. You should get a job here and save up some money for a trip like this."

     "I'm not gonna wait, Dad. Come hell or high water, Mars and I are headed for Hawaii."

     Dad sighed and lipped his final words. "You're gonna be in hell and up to your neck in hot water, brother. You're gonna regret this, Mitch. You need more debt like you need a hole in the head."

     I dove back under the water for another lap. When I came back up to continue my breast strokes, Dad was on his way out of the pool area. Then in his early 70s and fit as a fiddle, he ambled to the gate of the pool and clicked it shut behind him like an able-bodied farmer closing the door on yet another ruined and unsavable crop.